Cats – training your humans

I’m a cat who’s on top of things so I’m going to share with you how to live the life of your dreams but the key to doing that is training, training, training – of your own humans of course.  I too was an innocent kitten once.

When you are a kitten, leaving your Mum for your new home is pretty scary but you really can’t start too early on training your new people.  You may be only a kitten but the first night in what will be your adult home is crucial.  That first day and night your new people will be a bit anxious too as they want to make you feel as much at home as they can and they really want to please you.  Take advantage of this.  Whilst you might be pleased with whatever they have arranged for you in the way of food and sleeping arrangements, I’m afraid you can’t just accept, you must demand something more and make clear who will be the boss, you.

Is there some other cat or dog already in residence?  Are they being given something more than you?  Demand equality for starters.  Do lots of purring, preferably on the lap of whoever you’ve sussed out to be the most important human in the family, make them feel loved and appreciated.  This always makes a good first impression especially if you can convey how wonderful you think they are.  Difficult?  Of course not, you are a cat.  You know how to purr don’t you?  Up the volume, make the purr throb through your body, I guarantee that your human will be yours for the taking.  You may still be a bit scared, if so, purring will help to calm you down too.  You can make friends with the rest of the family later, concentrate on the top human first.

If what you fancy is to sleep with your humans at night, don’t accept being shut in the kitchen or utility room however much they try and bribe you.  Let them settle into bed upstairs and then yowl for all you are worth.  If you keep it up long enough one of them will be down to find out what is the matter.  In the meantime go through your whole repertory of yowling, try out different sounds and pitches to see which sounds best and even more important, what brings one of them down to the kitchen.  Stop yowling the moment they open the door, let your eyes light up with pleasure as you weave your way round their legs.  Whatever you do resist the temptation to bite those tasty bare legs which would ruin all your efforts.  I’ll bet you that they pick you up and fuss you; you must rub your head against their face and purr fit to bust.

If they put down extra food for you, look at it in surprise but whatever you do, don’t start to eat it.  You have higher aims.  I expect you will be put firmly back in your bed, stroked and offered a few endearments, just purr loudly at this stage.  Then the door will be closed once more and you must wait a while for your human to make they comfortable in bed again.

After about ten minutes you can start your yowling again, sing as loudly as you can.  Repeat the steps above.  Maximum purr and affection.  If you have done really well they might just pick you up and take you upstairs to the bedroom there and then.  Otherwise you might have to repeat all this again before you get taken upstairs to bed.  The impression you are aiming for is a poor little kitten who is scared of being left on their own.  No it doesn’t matter whether you are little or not, nor even that you may be an adult cat being rehomed; it is just that you need to bring out the protective streak of your human.

Once you do get to the bedroom, be as good as you know how.  Curl yourself up on the bed in some inconspicuous place and keep quiet until they are ready to get up for the next day.  Just a warning, lots of humans have a need to visit their litter tray during the night, they call this the bathroom.  Don’t make the mistake of getting up to join them or you may find yourself back downstairs.  In fact it is best to just stay curled up until one or more of them heads downstairs to get breakfast.  DON’T get under their feet on the way downstairs, this can make them very cross, and if you get stepped it’s really painful.

Be a bit cautious at first until you know what their morning routine is, you can always make them change it later if it doesn’t suit you.  By the way, if you get the call of nature during the night, just make your way quietly down to your own litter tray; never look for some temporary facility in the bedroom.  You want to be thought of as an impeccably behaved loving cat, even if this is quite alien to your nature, after all they need never know what you are really like, it is all about first impressions.

Above all be happy, you are going to rule this house, it just takes a little time to set things up but you’ve made a start.

My brother sleeping on the job

Think I’ll have a nap myself now…

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